Today is Mardi Gras. And I have a cold. So in keeping with the Mardi Gras theme I have entitled this entry in James French. Any resemblance to genuine French is purely a coincidence (some restrictions apply; void where prohibited; except in Quebec).
As my title suggests, I am cozied up to a box of Kleenex brand's most soothing tissues. I am disconcerted however by the lack of instructions on the package. Instructions on shampoo bottles are legendary. Why not "facial" tissues? From all of the people I've seen wiping their noses on their sleeves at Disney, I would venture to guess that the average American lacks proper nose-blowing knowledge. Consequently, I shall most magnanimously offer the following as my suggestion for instructions. Even better, I'm not union so Kleenex is free to use them without risk of upsetting collectively bargaining writers.
- Remove one Kleenex(R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E from box.
- Using both hands, cover nostrils with tissue.
- Press against edge of nostrils without obstructing airways.
- Honk like a Canadian goose.
- Wipe remaining liquid from nostrils, upper lip, hands and desk with Kleenex (R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E before discarding.
- Wash hands. We don't want our germs to spread.
thing is my germ. It's a rhinovirus, or common cold, and it even looks like something that would make you sneeze if you got one caught in your nose.Meanwhile, let us not forget that it is Mardi Gras, which happens to be a paper napkin rather than a facial tissue. Admittedly when I set about this task, I was hoping to find that Georgia Pacific did indeed manufacture facial tissues under the Mardi Gras brand name however that would have worked out far too easily. The cold was merely a coincidence.
P.S. If all of this has been too graphic for you, dear readers, I apologize. If you are a Canadian goose fancier or are from Quebec, you have my deepest sympathy. I do, after all, have a cold and cannot be held fully accountable for my actions.
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