Sticky buns aren't sticks or ticks or buns

Sticky buns

So sweet

So sticky

Cinnamon!

Let him without

Sin among

Us throw

The first one.

You can count on us...

Just don't ask us to count! Not only are Sunshine State officials lacking the ability to count-- this is not a localized phenomenon as this extends all the way to the Legislative Branch-- but they are also lacking the ability to operate a machine that can actually do the counting for them! Meanwhile, in spite of this fiasco, we still expect them to demonstrate the fiscal prowess to count money. Not small change mind you, but amounts totaling, as the late Carl Sagan would say, billions and billions.

Consequently we're facing what can only be described as a budget deficit crisis. By crisis, I mean debacle. The latter often leads to the former.

Rest assured, good Floridians, that all is not lost. The Children's Television Workshop in cooperation with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is sponsoring the No Legislator Left Behind program. The first guest speaker to address the State House and Senate this week is no other than The Count! That's right, one, ONE embarrassing elected official who can't count... two, TWO embarrassing elected officials who can't count... AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAA! You get the picture.

Interestingly enough, additional funding was provided for the entire legislative branch to take standardized exams. Each Senator and Representative was given the choice between sitting for the FCAT or spending a day playing the Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? board game. The results were quite fascinating and not very public. Let's just say we have a C House and a D Senate. Even more alarming is the impact this is having on Tallahassee property values.

Which brings us to Amendment 1. You do realize the only reason it was called Amendment 1 is because that's how high they could safely count while still fulfilling their executive oaths of office, don't you? Additionally (ha ha, get it?), how do you think they came up with the $200 figure? I'll give you a hint: What comes after 1? The remainder of the session was spent debating how many zeros come after the two in two hundred.

Apparently reading isn't a strong suit either. It wasn't all that long ago that their was over a $3 billion surplus in the budget reported-- in an actual report. It's not as if anyone was suggesting that conditions in Florida would be improving significantly. In fact, Bloomberg reported to the contrary. Personally, I find the lack of newspaper or television reporting devoted to the subject over the last 6 months to be highly suspect.

Yet, most worrying of all is the fact that we voted for these people but have no guarantee that our votes were even counted correctly. Or, at all. Perhaps we didn't actually vote for these people. Perhaps they're all in office due to a bold act of opportunism. Perhaps. Either way, whenever anyone says that your vote counts, one can't help but think, "Void where prohibited by law and in Florida."

Details Details Details

Driving to work today I saw in large letters under a Dunkin Donuts sign, "ICE TEA." Seems harmless enough. Except for that fact that it's iced tea. Minor detail, right? I thought to myself, it's just Dunkin Donuts. That got me thinking however what that missing detail communicates about that "food" retailer. It's the ability to pay attention to detail that makes for good service and good products. Does anybody really care anymore?

This issue is much larger than Dunkin Donuts ice tea. The inability to mind such a visible detail suggests that the management at this location is also missing a lot of other details. When you're talking about something you're meant to put into your mouth, you don't want to imagine to what failing to pay attention may lead.

Someone I know has suggested that there is a real leadership issue in our culture. Nobody wants to accept the responsibility to lead. So, how about leading by example? It seems this approach is also lacking appeal. The best example of this can be seen on tv news shows (I use shows because reports suggest journalism which, in turn, suggests journalistic integrity and integrity has nothing to do with advertising revenue). Over the past decade or so, television reporters have systematically abandoned their posts as leaders by example. These mockers of journalism have also been reduced to mockers of our very language.

Grammar may not seem important, because, at the end of the day it really doesn't put food on the table or pay the rent. The ability to communicate clearly, on the other hand, makes life easier for everyone. Plus, if you're up for a job against someone who can communicate better and more clearly than you but who is less qualified, do you really think you stand a chance? Well, that is food on the table and rent. Moreover, in a climate where people are abhorrent to offend anyone, the ability to articulate sounds like a genuine survival skill-- particularly for someone in the public eye.

It seems that less and less often, people in a position to make a difference are willing to accept the responsibility of their status to lead by example. From athletes to television personalities, any cheap trick for attention precedes, as they say in the vernacular, "representing." I can sum this up in two names: Paris and Britney.

There are of course, great exceptions to this decline. I have to give Oprah kudos for her work, her demeanor, her deportment (does anyone have a clue what this even is?) and her enthusiasm for promoting literature. Ironically, I cannot claim to be an Oprah fan. I do however respect her. She commands respect and more importantly, she teaches people about self respect. She makes it look so easy.

Recently, medical or statistical evidence of how having overweight or athletic friends directly influencing our weight and activity levels caused quite a stir. Why does anyone think that it stops with weight? How you present yourself gives people around you license to present themselves as well or as poorly. If you're in the spotlight, this is doubly true.

So to all of you celebs whether you're local tv personalities or film actors or musicians or athletes, try for one minute of every hour to consider your status as a leader. Remember that every time you appeal to the lowest common denominator, you're lowering the standards for everyone. And to all of you people who don't notice your employees are exemplifying ignorance in your signage, well, good luck with that.

Laissez les mourchoirs roule!

Today is Mardi Gras. And I have a cold. So in keeping with the Mardi Gras theme I have entitled this entry in James French. Any resemblance to genuine French is purely a coincidence (some restrictions apply; void where prohibited; except in Quebec).

As my title suggests, I am cozied up to a box of Kleenex brand's most soothing tissues. I am disconcerted however by the lack of instructions on the package. Instructions on shampoo bottles are legendary. Why not "facial" tissues? From all of the people I've seen wiping their noses on their sleeves at Disney, I would venture to guess that the average American lacks proper nose-blowing knowledge. Consequently, I shall most magnanimously offer the following as my suggestion for instructions. Even better, I'm not union so Kleenex is free to use them without risk of upsetting collectively bargaining writers.

1. Remove one Kleenex(R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E from box.
2. Using both hands, cover nostrils with tissue.
3. Press against edge of nostrils without obstructing airways.
4. Honk like a Canadian goose.
5. Wipe remaining liquid from nostrils, upper lip, hands and desk with Kleenex (R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E before discarding.
6. Wash hands. We don't want our germs to spread.

We really don't want our germs to spread. And speaking of germs, the soccer ball type thing is my germ. It's a rhinovirus, or common cold, and it even looks like something that would make you sneeze if you got one caught in your nose.

Meanwhile, let us not forget that it is Mardi Gras, which happens to be a paper napkin rather than a facial tissue. Admittedly when I set about this task, I was hoping to find that Georgia Pacific did indeed manufacture facial tissues under the Mardi Gras brand name however that would have worked out far too easily. The cold was merely a coincidence.

P.S. If all of this has been too graphic for you, dear readers, I apologize. If you are a Canadian goose fancier or are from Quebec, you have my deepest sympathy. I do, after all, have a cold and cannot be held fully accountable for my actions.

Brickback Mountain

LEGO has come a long way. In fact, LEGO celebrated it's 50th Anniversary this week. Granted in terms of scale, considering their non-biodegradable lifespan is probably somewhere between that of a mountain and a sun, 50 years hardly seems significant. Well significant or not, the toy of the century is all about fitting in (pun as well as parentheses intended) as graphically illustrated by the photo borrowed from The Brick Testament-- which I might add hosts an array of Biblical LEGO tableaus ranging from the mildly absurd to the seriously disturbing. I digress.

LEGO is about fitting in. For example, 2 8-stud (yes, stud) bricks can be snapped together in 24 different ways. Add one more brick to the mix and you're looking at 1,060 configurations. This is more than enough to illustrate an entirely G-rated LEGO Sutra.

Fitting in also suggests playing well with others. When we see how in a single year, children around the world log an average of 5 billion hours playing with LEGO, I would say that they're on the mark. In fact, the name, LEGO is taken from the Danish "leg godt" which translates to "play well." And play well they do!

That is until they take over the world. I'm not talking about quantities in spite of the fact that 52 to 1 is a frightening LEGO to human birth rate-- statistics on LEGO deaths and dismemberments however remain elusive. I'm talking robots. So, call me an alarmist. LEGO Mindstorms is a robotics kit from LEGO. Add a computer to program your various servos motors and sensors and you've got an instant snap together automaton.

This calls to mind images of brightly colored snap together robots building other brightly colored snap together robots. You can see where this is going. Since we program our toys to "play well" they will be inclined to imitate us. We'll clap and laugh with glee until they replace all of our food crops with LEGO imitations. It starts innocently enough with a blurb on Fox News about a little girl's LEGObot replacing her recently departed goldfish with an inert brick one. Before you know it, people are disappearing and being replaced with LEGO simulacrums (NO! Not simulacrums! YES! Simulacrums!). When you play well and are brightly colored, world domination hardly seems beyond reach.

Most sci-fi scenarios have military robots going Terminator and rebelling against humanity. I however think it will be toys. Programmed to love. Incessantly. Making everything better. Everything. Like it or not. Purgatory can be built one 8-studded brightly colored brick at a time until before you know it we're all "living" on a Dante-esque 7 story LEGO mountain.

Postlude: I know it's ridiculous. I love LEGO. If you want to know more about where LEGO bricks come from check out THIS LINK.

random not James quote of the week

I don't know why... but I don't have as many affinities with chinchillas as I do with guinea pigs.

This Spud's for You!

In 1945, the United Nations, replaced the League of Nations as the dominant international organization dedicated to promoting human rights, international law, economic development and a generally peaceful spirit of cooperation. Apparently, they were also established to extol the virtues of the potato.

2008-- apart from being a Leap Year and a pivotal, if not an historical (yes, an), Election Year- is, according to the UN, IYP. WTF is IYP? Why, International Year of the Potato, of course! You mean you didn't know???

Portrait of an Unknown Potato

The website for potato2008.org has loads to offer every level of potato afficianado from the casual fancier to the obsessed botanist. From the "you want fries with that?" to the professional agrarian. It is no less than a book of love dedicated in to the queen of the garden.

So, I leave you with this thought from beloved television personality and humanitarian, Oprah Winfrey...

My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.

Now, if that doesn't capture the spirit of IYP, I don't know what does!

Beaver Fever

It's so not what you think. It's Thursday and I woke up with a song in my head. I believe these facts to be unrelated. For those of you living in doubt of a Higher Power, let me restore your faith-- it's not the song from Small World. Oddly enough, however, what it is IS is the theme song from Nickelodeon's, "Angry Beavers." It is.

For those of you unfamiliar with the grooviest brothers beavoir, Dag and Norbit are, in short, beavers. While they never seem particularly angry, they are perpetually bickering and competing and engaging in endless silliness.

How did I happen upon this alleged children's program? Funny you should ask. Once upon a time, I lived for a spell in Lafayette, Louisiana. One Saturday afternoon, the phone rang. Before I even got to say hello, "Put on Nickelodeon! There's a show and everybody's talking like you!" Thus, the Angry Beavers came into my life. If you click on the logo, you'll be linked to the Nickelodeon web site where you can view a full length episode.

So, whenever you numb-boogers hear someone shouting, "What's that spooty, spoothead, spoot guy, king of the spoots doing here?" You'll know the answer! Looking for the Angry Beavers of course!

I've still got that spooty song stuck in the old noggerooni!

Chooses Muses Loses Blues(es)

People who hear voices-- saints, writers and the occasional mental patient- are frequently disarmed by prolonged silence (in their heads at least). This loss is occasionally expressed by a romantic homage to the Ancient Greeks with the phrase, "I've lost my Muse."

Generally my philosophy in life is to accept responsibility for everything which comes my way. Or, let's just fix this and we can dissect it when it's safely behind us. This isn't a formula for success, mind you. However, I'm fully aware of this and blame no one but myself.

That said, I introduce you to Calliope, pictured crudely just above. Calliope is the Muse of Eloquence and Epic Poetry. While I've never considered her to be my Muse, I do find the idea of her to be inspiring. As a fairly outgoing individual I prefer the society of real friends over that of the imaginary. That and the fact that whenever I see the name, Calliope, I hear circus music (yes, it's a link).

When I read my blogs from days gone by (I've not written a proper entry for far too long), I am reminded of the specific friends who were there for the digital inscription either in reality or in spirit. I remember the edits. I recall the laughter. I feel the love.

"I've lost my Muse," I mumbled many moons as my melancholy mantra, thus mourning my Museness mislaid and I endeavored, as any responsible individual would, to build a better musetrap in the hope of reuniting with my Muse-- hitherto, without success.

Then, it struck me. I have no Muse. I have Muses! (or, is it Mice?)

I know so many lovely, loving, extraordinary people and I carry a little bit of each of them inside me. They are the smooth stones we pick up and drop in our pockets somehow knowing that they're too special to simply skip across the lake. Fascinating. Reassuring. Inspiring!

You are the children of Zeus and Mnemosyne! You are the voices in my head. In my heart. The Music in my laughter. This isn't something I can ever lose. And, I accept full responsibility for losing sight of that!

It's the Little Things

While searching for a Winter Park business, I stumbled upon this wee gem. Wouldn't you just die to have a charming little cottage on Midget Drive with a charming little view of Lake Midget?

The best part would be the giving out directions.

Just take Kentucky until it ends. Here you can either turn right to hit South Kentucky or turn left and an immediate right to get back onto North Kentucky. Either way you'll run into Midget. If you can't see the rainbow behind you, you've gone too far.

Click the midget to jump to the big map. Why does it feel weird to say big?

pogo-a-gogo

I'm always saying how it's a tragedy that someone doesn't make moonshoes for adults. Whenever I'm stressed and have the sudden urge to bounce around in moonshoes and learn to play the ukelele my dreams are shattered when I discover that the weight limit on the moonshoes is somewhere between toddler and super-model. I suspect if someone came and stripped all of the meat from my bones, just my brain and bones alone would weigh more than that.

The next best thing perhaps to moonshoes is the pogo stick. Pogo mind you is one of those acquired tastes like cigars, cognac or Linda Ronstadt. I am pleased to announce however that there is a new player... none other than the Flybar Elastomeric-Spring Pogo Stick. The latest accessory in the Elastomeric-Spring fashion line-up. As long as we're hyphenating.

Who needs moonshoes when you can pogo to the moon, mars, and beyond? Watch out Hubble, I've got a digital camera and I'm on my way to space via Elastomeric-Spring Propulsion.

Click the pick to jump!

got no strings

Pinocchio was on to something when he started his knotty pining for life without strings. There is much freedom to be had in stringlessness. Or today in wirelessness... ness... ness. For example, cordless phones give us freedom from phone cords, which are wires. Walkie-talkies gave us the freedom from the string between the soup cans. Ok maybe not wires, but freedom nevertheless. The aforementioned bluetooth offers us freedom from wiring our hands-free kits to our cell phones, which are also, I might add, without wires.

At home however there are some other great uses. Having an electric razor that charges by induction on its base is nothing short of magical. Pick it up and shave. Set it down and charge. My fighting with an ironing cord days were banished about a year or so ago when I received my first cordless iron. It's light, it's quick and I don't have to play Indiana Jones to prevent the cord from mussing up whatever I've got spread on the ironing board and now that I've written this I have no idea what playing Indiana Jones actually means. The wireless network in my apartment is allowing me to write this blog from my laptop which I can carry out onto the balcony, into the kitchen or indeed anywhere in the house-- no more 100 foot ethernet cable trailing about the place.

My latest and greatest addition however is my new cordless Electrolux Pronto 2-in-1. My discovery was nothing short of serendipity. I was researching vacuums online when I discovered the sub-category of stick vacuums. After all, who can resist a vacuum on a stick? Probably everyone... but me. And there it was. A cordless rechargeable stick vacuum with a detachable stomach that doubles as a dust-buster sort of thingy. For me it's a 4-in-1:

1. cordless
2. a stick
3. a vacuum
4. a thingy (dust-buster)

In fact, it's nothing short of miraculous. Now, I can spirit about my apartment, feet barely touching the floor, riding the Pinocchio style high of having been liberated from my strings.

I wonder, though, if it dreams of being a real boy?

the goose is getting fat

By Halloween, Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede (part dinner show, part redneck circus) already had their 4 story Christmas tree up between it and the exhausted Interstate 4. The I-4 as it is affectionately called (generally followed by series of expletives) is marked as running East and West which in places it does. Orlando, however is not one of these places. Here, the I-4 pretty much runs North to South which explains the proximity of the Dixie Stampede to it.

Dolly. Who doesn't LOVE Dolly? I know I do. In fact, I once named one my cars, Jolene. So, of course, I'm perfectly content to see her 7 foot high smiling face on the Dixie Stampede video sign flickering high upon the steeple. A smile from Dolly is a great start and a comfort to anyone unlucky enough to travel the I-4. I am a bit taken aback however when in mid-October she appears on the flickering screen in my living room announcing that Christmas is her faaavorite time of year and how nobody does it better than her adoring children at the Dixie Stampede. She even backs her claim of the best Christmas celebration (without alcohol) in Orlando with a guarantee (you must smuggle your own alcohol in-- I use must here as an imperative rather than a declarative-- if I had to do it over again thing).

It's important to mention that here we measure out our year by events rather than seasons. We only have 2 seasons here: hurricane season and not. Consequently, to see a Christmas tree up before the end of October is as disorienting to us as the complete lack of seasons is to our newly arrived neighbors.

So, Dolly, as much as I love you, you're fattening the goose a bit early this year. Christmas is coming no matter what. I can guarantee.

the tooth about my ear

I have a tooth in my ear. And, it's blue. You're probably thinking to yourself, "What has blue teeth?" A blue comb, perhaps? A depressed dental hygienist? Or, maybe he travelled to France and his pen exploded in his toiletry bag and he failed to notice because he'd been awake for 27 hours and inadvertently painted his teeth blue? Well, that's just impossible, because if you knew me you'd know that I despise writing with blue ink so if anything my teeth were black. Wait. What?

This amazing technology indicated by the runic logo apparently does more than let you chat wirelessly and, for the most part, hands-free on your already wireless but not hands-free cell phone. What else does it actually do? Who cares! All other possibilities have been thoroughly eclipsed by the almost magical and now-that-you've-tried-it-has-become-totally-indispensable Bluetooth earpiece for your Bluetooth equipped cell phone. Words fail to describe the pleasure to be had from walking about tapping your ear to answer the phone, or wandering around the grocery store talking to yourself until someone sees the little blue light on the side of your head. Then it's ok to be caught talking to yourself-- you've got Bluetooth! You didn't think I was really on the phone did you?

The name however still seems totally off the subject. Well, there's no point in googling about. A quick browse to the source, bluetooth.org, sheds some blue light on the subject. The name was taken from a 10th Century Danish King. This is not a reference to a drive-thru bakery either. This was a real king, called Harold Blatand. Surprise, surprise! Blatand translates to Bluetooth in English. Personally, I'd rather have a Bluetooth stuck in my ear than a Blatand. Hmm. Moving right along... you can click on the logo above for the full story if you'd like. It also mentions someone called, Forkbeard. This is what happens when you don't get enough sunlight and your serotonin levels are low-- your teeth change color and cutlery is entangled in your facial hair.

Meanwhile, I'll be here... talking to myself through my blue tooth.

if you'll be bubble, i'll be squeak

Doesn't it stand to reason that if you bake a cake with pineapples at the bottom of the pan with the intention of inverting it that it makes the part with pineapples the top of the cake?

A British friend actually asked me this. Subsequently, I learned that if you want to really go crazy (or mad) discussing pastries, try talking about biscuits with a Brit. They find it quaint how we call biscuits, cookies. A favourite with a u of theirs is the digestive biscuit. This is a product name which is so far from Madison Avenue that it sounds completely repulsive and alien to us. I suppose it is actually. To the untrained American ear it sounds a lot like a laxative. Likewise, we seem to find it entertaining how they call cookies, biscuits; however, this is because we already have biscuits. Although, our biscuits are more like scones-- only less sweet-- to them and we haven't got scones. Then we're placed in the precarious position of being forced to feign horror when they ask for clotted cream for their American biscuits.

Our stereotypical idea of the British and pastries must always include the phrase, tea and crumpets. Like scones, we haven't got crumpets either, but we've got English muffins which are crumpet-like only more sweet. Ironically, they've got English muffins like our English muffins but since they're already in England they tend to gloss over the national specification. As in the buttermilk biscuit, scone and clotted cream dilemna, there is always the risk that your British guests may request marmite with their cruffins. Without going into detail, let's just say that feeding American children marmite is a good way to get on the wrong side of child and family services. Marmalade is much safer and is also transatlantically acceptable as a crumpet or American English muffin accompaniment.

Americans do fancy the notion of sitting down to high tea (and crumpets-- see? you can't help yourself) Oddly enough, tea has become synonymous with their-- the Brit's that is-- evening meal which we would call dinner. So, we should be fully prepared to put on our best vacant expressions in the event they tell us something like, say, they've had Bubble and Squeak for tea. Who are they? we're inclined to question, imagining charming little talking animals from a Beatrix Potter tale.

On the subject of pastries is dessert, which they would call, pudding, or afters. Afters makes sense but pudding seems awfully specific. This is why the concept of a Yorkshire Pudding is confusing to us. A Yorkshire Pudding is not a dessert, but a sort of popover sort of bread type thing flavoured with a u by pan drippings from some sort of roast. Or something of the sort. They are very easy to make very poorly but we're American so we don't know any better. The secret of Yorkshire Pudding is that if they're made well, they're really not much better than if they're made poorly. Anyway, the bottom line is that unlike a dessert, aka, pudding, a Yorkshire Pudding is actually something you would consume during your meal rather than after-- unlike afters which you would consume...um (or erm)... after. See? It's confusing even if you explain it.

So, if you want to pop round for tea after work, I can't promise you crumpets, clotted cream or marmite. However, if you'll be Bubble, I'll be Squeak.

iPod therefor iAm

I'm waiting for a podcast in iambic pentameter. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

iFeel a bit left out of the iPod craze. I love music. Unlike most people however I'm gifted with auditory hallucinations of music. For example, one holiday season I was bopping down the aisles of the Shop-Rite in Hackensack, NJ, commenting to my friend, Rob, about how impressed I was that they were playing Annie Lennox on the PA system. This stopped him dead in his tracks and inspired him to ask in a tone of crazed disbelief I've yet to hear from anyone ever again, "What are you listening to?" That's when I realized it wasn't in fact, Walking on Broken Glass, but rather Bing Crosby crooning, White Christmas. So, you can see how an iPod may seem a bit superfluous to someone like me. Someone who hears music-- often with lyrics-- that turns out to be the dishwasher churning away.

All this confusion stems from my sudden fascination with the podcast phenomenon. Instead of reading the blogs, I can download the podcast to my mp3 player of choice which might but doesn't necessarily have to start with a lower-case i to review at my own leisure-- the audio book version of blogging only cooler cause it's just like having your own radio show.

Meanwhile, the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm still waiting for that mp3 player which converts me to a podcast-downloading, card-carrying iTunes enthusiast. In case you hadn't noticed there is a dizzying array of mp3 players available ranging in size from a block of government cheese to a 1" cube. Apple's sexy marketing scheme and snazzy approach to brand recognition has taken the guesswork out of it for the most part. Reliability however is a very public issue. A friend came over the other day with his iPod because every time he plugged it into his computer it froze his computer. It froze two of mine as well. Then, when I shared this story with a friend visiting from Norway, he told me the same thing happened with his iPod. iPod withdrawal is not to be taken lightly particularly when combined with the news of scratching and cracking displays on the slender Nano.

Then, as if things weren't confusing enough, some of these devices also store photos, play videos, tune in and even record FM radio as well as function as voice recorders. The voice recorder seems very handy for a student wanting to record lectures which can then be turned into podcasts for the study group. However, for general use it seems like another crutch. How many phone numbers did you know from memory before your got your cell phone? I once carried my address book in my head. Now I can't even remember my own number unless I add it to the phone book on my phone. So, I've just talked myself out of a voice recorder.

I guess it all comes down to price, personal aesthetics and the ability to read me bedtime stories. Now, when an mp3 player can tuck me in as well as read to me, then it just might make my must have list. Until such time, I'll have to make do with my iThumbs which work very nicely at holding up the book I'm reading.

westward ho

So, the hurricane ravaged gulf region is facing yet another storm. Wilma. Fortunately, Wilma is not a common name, so chances are there will be very few parents regretting a recent choice.

What concerns me more however is the failure of the State Government to take preventative action against said cyclone. Any responsible governor would call for everyone in the state to stand outside for at least 2 hours facing west, blowing, fanning, waving arms, and doing absolutely anything that might route the stormy blast. All of the airplanes and airboats and those little fans with the spray bottles from the theme parks should be pointed directly towards the gulf. Granted, the effort might result in the storm blowing back to Mexico, but life's a gamble anyway, isn't it?

Not only would this serve to bring our communities closer, but it would also get everyone outdoors and exercising-- particularly now that the humidity has broken for the most part.

So, should the hurricane come, Governor Bush has only himself to blame for failing to unite the good folks of Florida to stand together against this great meteorological foe! My advice to all my fellow Floridians-- get out and blow, westward ho!

tube tops lost

Bigger is better. But, so is smaller. We don't know what to think anymore. The one true uniquely American passion, television, has been blown up and miniaturized simultaneously by the same technology. The TV has given up it's tube to make way for a more exciting and scalable technology.

LCD technology, or liquid crystal display, in association with the initials, DLP, HDTV, MPEG, PVR, DVR, 3G and WTF, has brought us bigger and brighter and smaller and lighter pictures than we ever imagined we would have in our homes or pockets. 72" rear projection televisions are bringing the theater experience home, while the zooplankton versions dazzle us with video clips on our cell phones. Or, the new video capable iPods.

Speaking of video iPods, the networks seem to be waxing over all panicky-like due to the possibility that someone might actually download a show to their iPod at $1.99 a shot instead of watching it for free in the living room. Or bedroom. Or kitchen. Or in any room of the 87% of American households that have access to cable television. Face it. Would you rather watch a bunch of moody plane crash survivors (and a hobbit?) kibitzing around an island on a tv the size of a matchbook or something a bit closer to a cafeteria tray?

Now for the math. Regular tv is presented in the 4:3 aspect ratio (the proportion of the width of the picture to the height). Your father's tube tv is 4:3. As is your video iPod but at a fraction of the size. Oddly enough, 4:3 is also the proportion of programming to advertising on commercial television.

I watched Lost recently-- which basically sums up my reaction but that's neither here nor there. Out of curiosity, I timed the bits of show that were broadcast as well as the bits of commercials that were aired. Including the recaps from the previous episodes of the season (which at the time totalled to 1), nearly 1/2 of the hour was spent with ads for tampons and breakfast cereal being fired directly at my face. No wonder it's called Lost-- the "precious" viewer loses 1/2 their time watching commercials! And no wonder I stopped eating breakfast cereal!

This lost time is precious time that consumers can spend watching last week's Desperate Housewives on their iPods. Or programming their PVR's, or, heaven help you, VCR's, to record the series. That was a lot of commas.

Best of all, thanks to iTunes, we can now bypass the entire process of recording the programs ourselves all for a nominal fee so we can watch it over and over on the matchbook screen. Ok, then what's with all the mooning, posturing and general stroppiness? You know the network executives can watch anything they want without having to sit through the commercials. Is that the problem? We don't pay enough for the commercials on cable tv? $1.99 is too little to pay to skip a few ads on an iPod?

mummified grapes embalmed in chocolate

If you eat a pound of them at once, you will get a tummy ache. This is non-negotiable. In fact, it's highly probable that you could eat less than a pound and still come out the other end feeling queasy. However, the full pound was immediately accessible and there was just no resisting their juicy, chocolate covered siren song. Yes, even songs can be covered in chocolate. Ought to be covered in chocolate. Except maybe Blue Suede Shoes. You know what I mean.

What's really amazing however is that as dried and shrivelled as a raisin is-- or as is more often the case these days, mummified using sulphur dioxide-- they still taste juicy. Thinking this to be a crafty raisin subterfuge, I pointed the magical internet search engine to raisin juice. My mother always warned me to stop googling my juice. Obviously, I never listened.

Well, apparently, there actually is such a thing as raisin juice. It is in most regards uninteresting except for the fact it actually exists. To be fair though it is touted as an alternative sweetener as well as rich source of B vitamins. Do the bees know?

A more intresting notion albeit one that leads to worry is this plump little bit of raisin trivia gleaned from nationalraisin.com-- it takes 4 lbs. of grapes to make 1 lb. of raisins. This means that someone-- who shall for the sake of argument remain nameless-- consumed as much sugar as can be had in 4 lbs. of grapes. This excludes the sugar content of the chocolate chocolate coating. At this point I must interject that deleting the word chocolate is an emotionaly charged venture so the accidental if not subconscious repetition shall remain unedited. In any event, it's hardly any wonder I had a tummy ache. 4 lbs. of grapes is undoubtedly larger than a human head-- if not nearly the size of a small baby. Some of you knew that was coming.

Ghosts from the Pasta

Some countries have skeletons in their closets. China has skeletons in it's walls. And 4000 year old noodles at the bottom of its rivers. Yes, the Sleeping Giant can now claim once and for all to have the archaeological evidence to back its claims that pasta was indeed born in China.

The Italians were unavailable for comment. However, China's Institute of Geology and Physics had this to say: "These are undoubtedly the oldest noodles ever found." (click the quote for more)

Anyone who has ever witnessed a performance by Chinese acrobats will readily accept the notion that noodles are from China. Like Chinese acrobats, noodles have no bones and can be found in Walmart. At least this is what the announcer in Epcot claimed prior to a display of boneless children doing what boneless children do. Bend.

What's really amazing however is the possibility that river silt can now compete with modern food preservation technology. If it can preserve noodles for 4000 years, what do you think it can do for your complexion? If China were clever they'd be peddling their Yellow River silt as the first scientifically proven anti-aging formula. Archeaology is science after all. Look out pearl cream!

The discovery of such a revolutionary preservative has the power to transform the economy of this gianormous nation. Soon, they won't have to send their boneless, huddled masses to America to experience the wonders of Walmart. They will have their very own Great Walmart of China!