I Get A Kick

I get no kick from McCain
Four years of the boar doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me then why should it be?
That I still prefer Hillary?

Some say Obama's too green
Or old man McCain can only bring pain
So tell me then why should it be?
That I still prefer Hillary?

I still prefer that it's she I see whose speaking on my tv
I still prefer though it's clear to see the real nominee is Obama

Some like a prisoner of war
Taking a stand with a cross in the sand
Is my idea of pure plagiary
Yet I still prefer Hillary!

Sticky buns aren't sticks or ticks or buns

Sticky buns

So sweet

So sticky

Cinnamon!

Let him without

Sin among

Us throw

The first one.

You can count on us...

Just don't ask us to count! Not only are Sunshine State officials lacking the ability to count-- this is not a localized phenomenon as this extends all the way to the Legislative Branch-- but they are also lacking the ability to operate a machine that can actually do the counting for them! Meanwhile, in spite of this fiasco, we still expect them to demonstrate the fiscal prowess to count money. Not small change mind you, but amounts totaling, as the late Carl Sagan would say, billions and billions.

Consequently we're facing what can only be described as a budget deficit crisis. By crisis, I mean debacle. The latter often leads to the former.

Rest assured, good Floridians, that all is not lost. The Children's Television Workshop in cooperation with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is sponsoring the No Legislator Left Behind program. The first guest speaker to address the State House and Senate this week is no other than The Count! That's right, one, ONE embarrassing elected official who can't count... two, TWO embarrassing elected officials who can't count... AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAA! You get the picture.

Interestingly enough, additional funding was provided for the entire legislative branch to take standardized exams. Each Senator and Representative was given the choice between sitting for the FCAT or spending a day playing the Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? board game. The results were quite fascinating and not very public. Let's just say we have a C House and a D Senate. Even more alarming is the impact this is having on Tallahassee property values.

Which brings us to Amendment 1. You do realize the only reason it was called Amendment 1 is because that's how high they could safely count while still fulfilling their executive oaths of office, don't you? Additionally (ha ha, get it?), how do you think they came up with the $200 figure? I'll give you a hint: What comes after 1? The remainder of the session was spent debating how many zeros come after the two in two hundred.

Apparently reading isn't a strong suit either. It wasn't all that long ago that their was over a $3 billion surplus in the budget reported-- in an actual report. It's not as if anyone was suggesting that conditions in Florida would be improving significantly. In fact, Bloomberg reported to the contrary. Personally, I find the lack of newspaper or television reporting devoted to the subject over the last 6 months to be highly suspect.

Yet, most worrying of all is the fact that we voted for these people but have no guarantee that our votes were even counted correctly. Or, at all. Perhaps we didn't actually vote for these people. Perhaps they're all in office due to a bold act of opportunism. Perhaps. Either way, whenever anyone says that your vote counts, one can't help but think, "Void where prohibited by law and in Florida."

Details Details Details

Driving to work today I saw in large letters under a Dunkin Donuts sign, "ICE TEA." Seems harmless enough. Except for that fact that it's iced tea. Minor detail, right? I thought to myself, it's just Dunkin Donuts. That got me thinking however what that missing detail communicates about that "food" retailer. It's the ability to pay attention to detail that makes for good service and good products. Does anybody really care anymore?

This issue is much larger than Dunkin Donuts ice tea. The inability to mind such a visible detail suggests that the management at this location is also missing a lot of other details. When you're talking about something you're meant to put into your mouth, you don't want to imagine to what failing to pay attention may lead.

Someone I know has suggested that there is a real leadership issue in our culture. Nobody wants to accept the responsibility to lead. So, how about leading by example? It seems this approach is also lacking appeal. The best example of this can be seen on tv news shows (I use shows because reports suggest journalism which, in turn, suggests journalistic integrity and integrity has nothing to do with advertising revenue). Over the past decade or so, television reporters have systematically abandoned their posts as leaders by example. These mockers of journalism have also been reduced to mockers of our very language.

Grammar may not seem important, because, at the end of the day it really doesn't put food on the table or pay the rent. The ability to communicate clearly, on the other hand, makes life easier for everyone. Plus, if you're up for a job against someone who can communicate better and more clearly than you but who is less qualified, do you really think you stand a chance? Well, that is food on the table and rent. Moreover, in a climate where people are abhorrent to offend anyone, the ability to articulate sounds like a genuine survival skill-- particularly for someone in the public eye.

It seems that less and less often, people in a position to make a difference are willing to accept the responsibility of their status to lead by example. From athletes to television personalities, any cheap trick for attention precedes, as they say in the vernacular, "representing." I can sum this up in two names: Paris and Britney.

There are of course, great exceptions to this decline. I have to give Oprah kudos for her work, her demeanor, her deportment (does anyone have a clue what this even is?) and her enthusiasm for promoting literature. Ironically, I cannot claim to be an Oprah fan. I do however respect her. She commands respect and more importantly, she teaches people about self respect. She makes it look so easy.

Recently, medical or statistical evidence of how having overweight or athletic friends directly influencing our weight and activity levels caused quite a stir. Why does anyone think that it stops with weight? How you present yourself gives people around you license to present themselves as well or as poorly. If you're in the spotlight, this is doubly true.

So to all of you celebs whether you're local tv personalities or film actors or musicians or athletes, try for one minute of every hour to consider your status as a leader. Remember that every time you appeal to the lowest common denominator, you're lowering the standards for everyone. And to all of you people who don't notice your employees are exemplifying ignorance in your signage, well, good luck with that.

Laissez les mourchoirs roule!

Today is Mardi Gras. And I have a cold. So in keeping with the Mardi Gras theme I have entitled this entry in James French. Any resemblance to genuine French is purely a coincidence (some restrictions apply; void where prohibited; except in Quebec).

As my title suggests, I am cozied up to a box of Kleenex brand's most soothing tissues. I am disconcerted however by the lack of instructions on the package. Instructions on shampoo bottles are legendary. Why not "facial" tissues? From all of the people I've seen wiping their noses on their sleeves at Disney, I would venture to guess that the average American lacks proper nose-blowing knowledge. Consequently, I shall most magnanimously offer the following as my suggestion for instructions. Even better, I'm not union so Kleenex is free to use them without risk of upsetting collectively bargaining writers.

1. Remove one Kleenex(R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E from box.
2. Using both hands, cover nostrils with tissue.
3. Press against edge of nostrils without obstructing airways.
4. Honk like a Canadian goose.
5. Wipe remaining liquid from nostrils, upper lip, hands and desk with Kleenex (R) Lotion Tissue with aloe and vitamin E before discarding.
6. Wash hands. We don't want our germs to spread.

We really don't want our germs to spread. And speaking of germs, the soccer ball type thing is my germ. It's a rhinovirus, or common cold, and it even looks like something that would make you sneeze if you got one caught in your nose.

Meanwhile, let us not forget that it is Mardi Gras, which happens to be a paper napkin rather than a facial tissue. Admittedly when I set about this task, I was hoping to find that Georgia Pacific did indeed manufacture facial tissues under the Mardi Gras brand name however that would have worked out far too easily. The cold was merely a coincidence.

P.S. If all of this has been too graphic for you, dear readers, I apologize. If you are a Canadian goose fancier or are from Quebec, you have my deepest sympathy. I do, after all, have a cold and cannot be held fully accountable for my actions.

Brickback Mountain

LEGO has come a long way. In fact, LEGO celebrated it's 50th Anniversary this week. Granted in terms of scale, considering their non-biodegradable lifespan is probably somewhere between that of a mountain and a sun, 50 years hardly seems significant. Well significant or not, the toy of the century is all about fitting in (pun as well as parentheses intended) as graphically illustrated by the photo borrowed from The Brick Testament-- which I might add hosts an array of Biblical LEGO tableaus ranging from the mildly absurd to the seriously disturbing. I digress.

LEGO is about fitting in. For example, 2 8-stud (yes, stud) bricks can be snapped together in 24 different ways. Add one more brick to the mix and you're looking at 1,060 configurations. This is more than enough to illustrate an entirely G-rated LEGO Sutra.

Fitting in also suggests playing well with others. When we see how in a single year, children around the world log an average of 5 billion hours playing with LEGO, I would say that they're on the mark. In fact, the name, LEGO is taken from the Danish "leg godt" which translates to "play well." And play well they do!

That is until they take over the world. I'm not talking about quantities in spite of the fact that 52 to 1 is a frightening LEGO to human birth rate-- statistics on LEGO deaths and dismemberments however remain elusive. I'm talking robots. So, call me an alarmist. LEGO Mindstorms is a robotics kit from LEGO. Add a computer to program your various servos motors and sensors and you've got an instant snap together automaton.

This calls to mind images of brightly colored snap together robots building other brightly colored snap together robots. You can see where this is going. Since we program our toys to "play well" they will be inclined to imitate us. We'll clap and laugh with glee until they replace all of our food crops with LEGO imitations. It starts innocently enough with a blurb on Fox News about a little girl's LEGObot replacing her recently departed goldfish with an inert brick one. Before you know it, people are disappearing and being replaced with LEGO simulacrums (NO! Not simulacrums! YES! Simulacrums!). When you play well and are brightly colored, world domination hardly seems beyond reach.

Most sci-fi scenarios have military robots going Terminator and rebelling against humanity. I however think it will be toys. Programmed to love. Incessantly. Making everything better. Everything. Like it or not. Purgatory can be built one 8-studded brightly colored brick at a time until before you know it we're all "living" on a Dante-esque 7 story LEGO mountain.

Postlude: I know it's ridiculous. I love LEGO. If you want to know more about where LEGO bricks come from check out THIS LINK.

random not James quote of the week

I don't know why... but I don't have as many affinities with chinchillas as I do with guinea pigs.